Sunday, November 19, 2006

Casino Royale ...Flushed Out

One thing that every man with a ding dong between his legs aspires is to be James Bond. Its inevitable. Who can refuse a life filled with awesome cars, awesome babes and awesome gadgets? But as far as the movie version there was and will be only one Bond - Mr Connery. Craig is the sixth Bond. The other five being:

Sean Connery- The first and only James Bond

George "DroopyEyes" Lazenby - When he says "The name is Bond, James Bond" he sounds almost apologetic.

Roger Moore - The only gay Bond

Timothy Dalton - A decent bond, except he never quite realized what he had between his pants.

Pierce Brosnan - Overshadowed by invisible Aston Martins and remote controlled BMWs. Never quite came out of being Remington Steele.

Coming back to our movie - The opening is the best. Chris Cornell's soundtrack being the selling point. For a second you could even believe that Craig was a Bond even with his blonde looks. From there, it takes a downhill plunge.

Now, who the fuck wanted to see how Bond got his double-oh status? Bond minus MoneyPenny, Q, gadgets and believe it or not - The Bond Theme? Thats like watching Star Wars without Yoda, Anaiken Skywalker and the Death Star.

"Heres a pen Mr. Bond".

"Err does it shoot poisonous gas?"

"No but you can write threatening letters till Le Chiffre agrees to give up"

Brilliant!. Well we have Bond going to Mbale, Uganda. Now how on earth do you expect anyone to say it? If US becamse a part of Africa, I guess the first thing they would lose are the vowels. New York would be NY Yrk, Ls Angls and Hllywd. Now all we have in Africa are sweaty people in army berets. Enter Le Chiffre the villain, who takes a shitload of money from the Oh-I-Am-So-mighty-coz-i-have-a-green-gun African leader, with the promise of supplying a lifetime supply of deodorants. Le Chiffre's business is to finance the worlds terrorist with his skills in Poker. And the worlds smuggling with his skills in Minesweeper.

So obviously Bond has to stop them. Le Chiffre bleeds tears and no one knows why

." Hey Scaramanga had a third nipple, now what do we give Le Chiffre to make him equally ominous? Hmm....a second penis? Hold on....Sorry Brad Pitt refuses to act in the role of Le Chiffre's penis. Lets see...Got it... red tears...umm make it blood. Yes! Villain who cries blood. That would go well with the women audience too to see a man cry!."

CIA agrees to finance Bond to the tune of 15 Million Dollars and a night with Eva Green if he could win a game of Poker against Mr Chiffre. Thats about when the CIA realized that there was more money in poker than in running behind Al Qaeda and started their own online poker business. Last heard, the FBI were seriously considering opening an official porno site.

Well...Bond points for guessing that and he uses the most powerful gadget ever invented - google. And was seriously considering uploading a viral video of him juggling a Walter PPK and a vodka martini on youtube.

The bond girl is Eva Green who did a better job in Dreamers I should say. Atleast you could see Dreamers with the volume muted and you wouldnt miss a thing!. She tries to be intelligent and ends up with as much panache as OJ Simpson in an Opera.

Further we are also shown how Roger Moore's James Bond came about when Le Chiffre thrashes Bonds balls. "Now I got to prove to the world that I am a womanizing spy with a feminine side." This is the most important part of the movie too as we realize why Bond movies have no nudity and why Bond doesnt have any kids with all his "shenanigans" Ever seen any Bond movie actually showing Bond in the act.

"You mean people actually put THIS thing into THAT?" asked Roger Moore. "I thought making love was about holding hands and cuddling up" he added.

All in all worth a watch if you dont mind your favorite spy being an albino minus the gadgets, moneypenny, Q and the theme music. I would watch Borat again instead :-)